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Sermon Illustrations 2
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Games - Outdoor
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Dealing with Parents
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A man receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat
is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.......he is closer
to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10
rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a
chance and makes his way through the stadium around the security
guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "No".

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!" "Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use
it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I
was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first SuperBowl we haven't been together since we got married in
1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

A Panda walks into a restaurant.
The waiter takes the Panda's order.

When the order is ready, the waiter takes it to the Panda.
The Panda eats the meal, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter
and runs out of the restaurant.

The owner of the restaurant goes running after the Panda.
When the restaurant owner finally catches up to the Panda,
he asks, "Why did you shoot the waiter?"
The Panda tells the owner to look up 'Panda' in the dictionary.

The owner goes back to the restaurant and looks up 'Panda' in the
dictionary. Under 'Panda' it says: Eats shoots and leaves.


Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

(Pi)r2. No, cake are squared, pie are round.

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

I love animals. They taste great!

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are still missing.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

I used to have a handle on life - then it broke.

Artificial intelligence beats real stupidity.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

And my personal favourite...

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else!

(submitted by Oscar Hyde of Somerset, England)

"A mushroom walked into a restaurant and sat down in a booth. A waiter came
up to him and said 'Excuse me sir, we don't serve your kind around here.' The
mushroom replied 'Why not? I'm a fun guy (fungi)to be around."

"A traveler was driving around in Georgia, around Christmas time. While he
was driving he noticed that the wise men (in nativity scenes that were set up in
front of some of the houses) wore fire hats.He was puzzled about this and
stopped in at a restaurant. He went up to one of the waiters and said, 'Excuse
me miss, I'm driving through this town and saw that the wise men in all the
nativity scenes are wearing fire hats. Why is that?' The waiter replied,
'Haven't you ever read the Good Book? Wait here a minute.'"

"She went into a back room and came out wih a Bible in her hand. Opening to the
Gospels, she said, 'See right 'chere 'The wisemen came from a far (fire)''"

MORE BUMPER STICKERS (submitted by Oscar)

If you always take time to stop and smell the roses... sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Procrastinators Unite!... Tomorrow

Dyslexics Untie!

(On the back of a VW beetle...) When I grow up, I want to be a Porsche!

Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.

43% of all statistics are useless.

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put It In Reverse?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they call apartments "apartments" when they are built together?

If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?

Easier said than sung in Russian.

... Oscar Hyde, Zeta Chi Eagles, from Shipham, Somerset, England

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has
come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the
chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book,
book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the
chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts
the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book,
book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these
books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who
squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets
a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the
library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several
blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small
grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is
a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian,
now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to
the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within
earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

Send in any of your entries - we'll post your name and give you full credit!